Question 1

Can a relationship go back to normal after cheating?

Accepted Answer

If both partners agree that they want to work towards restoring trust and open communication, a relationship can go back to normal after cheating. Some ultimately feel that a relationship is unsalvageable after cheating, while others may recover.

Other factors that may influence the trajectory of a relationship after cheating include the specific circumstances, and the seriousness of the relationship. The most important factor will be your and your partner’s willingness and ability to strengthen the relationship together.

Do you know your attachment style?

Take this free, online Attachment Styles Quiz today to find out your attachment style. Get a free, customized report too! Knowing your attachment style is the first step to understanding why you act the way you do.

Question 2

What is infidelity counseling?

Accepted Answer

Infidelity counseling is therapy focused on the causes of infidelity within a relationship and how to best process an affair and move forward. Licensed marriage and family therapists (LMFTs) specialize in helping couples navigate infidelity.

Infidelity counseling can be a combination of individual and couples counseling. Cheating often stems from individual issues that contribute to relationship issues, and many therapists believe you can’t solve problems in a partnership without solving problems as individuals.

Infidelity counseling helps couples identify why the infidelity occurred, work on issues within themselves and their relationship, and decide the best way to move forward with their relationship.

Question 3

What is the difference between adultery and infidelity?

Accepted Answer

Adultery and infidelity are considered synonyms. There is no clinical therapeutic difference between the two. Both refer to sexual or romantic interactions outside a marriage or other romantic partnership, colloquially known as cheating.

Question 4

What is the best therapy for infidelity?

Accepted Answer

Couples counseling (also known as marriage counseling when the couple is married) is the most common therapy approach for addressing infidelity. There are multiple forms of couples counseling, and the best option for you will depend upon the specific circumstances of your relationship.

Individual talk therapy and cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) can be helpful if an individual is trying to stop cheating, or wants to understand their underlying motivations for cheating.

Question 5

Why do people cheat on people they love?

Accepted Answer

There is no one reason why people cheat on those they love. Research shows there are multiple factors that can contribute to infidelity. According to one study (which focused mainly on heterosexual young adults), there were a few common explanations people gave for cheating.

1. Falling out of love

Falling out of love with someone can happen for many reasons, and it doesn’t necessarily mean you no longer care for or love them in any way. It is often a confusing experience that can involve exploring (consciously or not) other avenues toward romantic fulfillment, which may lead to cheating.

2. Struggles with commitment

There are multiple factors that can lead to commitment issues, including an insecure attachment style, and a fear of abandonment. This study found that those who cheated were often in relationships characterized by mismatched levels or definitions of commitment between partners.

3. Low self-esteem

Some of the participants in the study were found to have cheated due to feelings of low self-esteem. Under these circumstances, cheating can be based in an effort to enhance their standing in others’ eyes by connecting with someone they consider well-regarded in their social circle. It can also result from a sense that their partner’s positive attention is undeserved or conditional.

4. Desire for variety

Even if they love their partners in a profound and sincere way, some people also crave sexual and romantic variety. Depending on their partner’s feelings, such a situation can sometimes lead to an open or polyamorous relationship, in which clear boundaries and communication allow sexual and romantic exploration.

5. Situational factors

Sometimes the perfect storm of relationship friction and circumstance leads to unexpected, seemingly uncharacteristic cheating. Attraction to another, lowered inhibitions (for example, due to intoxication), and other factors can lead to an act of infidelity. People who cheated for situational reasons said they would not have done so if it weren’t for the specific circumstances of the moment.

Do you know your attachment style?

Take this free, online Attachment Styles Quiz today to find out your attachment style. Get a free, customized report too! Knowing your attachment style is the first step to understanding why you act the way you do.

Your sex life changes: Oftentimes, cheating will affect your sex life one of two ways: either your partner suddenly has a lot of new moves, or you stop having sex altogether. While shifts like these can indicate that your partner is involved with someone else, keep in mind that they are also natural for many couples.

The emotional intimacy vanishes from your relationship: Do you feel like your partner has become less communicative and is no longer confiding in you or listening to your thoughts and feelings? This sometimes happens when a spouse is cheating and has stopped paying full attention to their relationship. Regardless of whether your spouse is cheating, emotional intimacy is important. If you feel you're lacking it, it's worth discussing with your spouse.

They are very protective of their phone: It’s normal to keep your phone close—after all, many people’s phones contain practically their entire lives. However, if your partner is very secretive about showing what’s on their screen, or gets stressed out about leaving their phone unattended for a short period of time even while at home, something more may be going on.

Their friends suddenly seem uncomfortable around you: Not everyone tells their friends when they’re cheating, but if your spouse’s friends seem nervous or awkward around you out of nowhere, it could be because they know their friend is cheating. Remember that group social relationships are complicated, and there are also other factors that may contribute to seemingly out-of-the-blue awkward behavior.

When you try to talk about your concerns, your partner gets angry or accuses you: If your partner gets overly defensive when you raise concerns, or frequently accuses you of cheating, this may be a defense mechanism because they themselves are cheating. Furthermore, healthy discussion is an important part of a relationship, and you should be able to talk through issues with your partner without fear of anger or accusation.

While these behaviors are commonly exhibited by those who are cheating, this list is not meant to help determine whether your partner is cheating. If you have concerns about infidelity, trust both your gut and your relationship, and try talking to your spouse. You can suggest couples counseling if you want help facilitating the conversation and working through issues.

Do you know your attachment style?

Take this free, online Attachment Styles Quiz today to find out your attachment style. Get a free, customized report too! Knowing your attachment style is the first step to understanding why you act the way you do.

Question 7

How do I let go of pain caused by infidelity?

Accepted Answer

The pain caused by infidelity can be overwhelming. Even if you want to “just get over it,” your emotions may not play along. Some may choose to end a relationship after infidelity, while others may decide to work on staying together. Either option can be painful, and both require healing.

If you’ve been cheated on and are trying to move past the pain, give yourself time. Lean on your support structure, take care of yourself, and don’t be upset with yourself if healing takes longer than you’d like. Counseling can provide you with coping tools to help.

Do you know your attachment style?

Take this free, online Attachment Styles Quiz today to find out your attachment style. Get a free, customized report too! Knowing your attachment style is the first step to understanding why you act the way you do.

Think you might have PTSD?

Take our PTSD quiz to see if you may be suffering from a post-traumatic stress disorder.

Question 9

Is infidelity a trauma?

Accepted Answer

Infidelity in a serious relationship can be a traumatizing experience. Being cheated on is a violation of trust, and can lead to occurrences or resurgences of feelings like depression and anxiety, which are associated with trauma.

Some experts believe that being cheated on can constitute a form of “betrayal trauma,” leading to PTSD-like symptoms.

Question 10

How common is marital infidelity?

Accepted Answer

Research suggests that between 24-35% of married people have engaged in marital infidelity. There are many reasons why a person might cheat on their partner, from low self esteem, to dissatisfaction with the relationship, to irrepressible desire for another.

These reasons can also influence the nature of the cheating, and how long it lasts. Some choose to work past infidelity in a marriage, while others are unwilling or unable to.

Monarch marriage quiz

If you want to test the strength of your marriage, Monarch has a 3-minute quiz. Answer a few questions and get customized score.

Question 11

Can being cheated on cause mental illness?

Accepted Answer

Like any upsetting experience, being cheated on can lead to an occurrence or recurrence of mental health symptoms like depression and anxiety. Some experts believe that being cheated on can constitute a form of “betrayal trauma,” leading to PTSD-like symptoms. Those who have prior experience with trauma and betrayal may be especially vulnerable to such reactions.

The pain of cheating often feels insurmountable. Regardless of whether you have a diagnosis, speaking with a counselor who can tools for coping can help.

Question 12

Can counseling help with infidelity?

Accepted Answer

There are many reasons a person might seek help in counseling after infidelity. There is no guarantee that counseling will stop someone from cheating again, or eliminate the pain of betrayal.

However, whether you are trying to get over the pain of being cheated on, trying to figure out what led you to cheat on your partner, trying to make your relationship work, or attempting to deal with the issue in another way, counseling can help.

Can a relationship go back to normal after cheating?

Do you know your attachment style?

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