What can I do to control my anger?

All people will experience anger throughout their lives. It's a basic human emotion and it can take several forms. Connected to the sympathetic nervous systems in our bodies, anger is related to our “fight, flight, or freeze” reactions we have in situations that challenge us (which, in the last few years, some of us have experienced almost daily).

What exactly is anger? Is anger a mental disorder? 

According to the American Psychological Association, anger is, literally, “an emotion characterized by antagonism toward someone or something you feel has deliberately done you wrong.” But anecdotally, anger can be more nuanced than this definition makes room for.

Anger can be moral, common, abusive, fear-based, chronic, or unreasonable. It can be passive, open, or assertive. For some, anger can be a part of daily life (i.e. door-slamming tyrannical teenagers). For others, it’s an out-of-character, explosion of emotion that erupts only maybe once a year. (“Oops, I was filled with rage and punched a hole in the wall.”). 

Though we tend to associate anger with unpleasantness—even combativeness—it’s just as often a positive emotion. It can be a healthy way to express yourself, and more importantly, motivate you to solve the issues that are causing you anger. 

But excessive or poorly expressed anger can have serious consequences, and not just for your banged-up wall. Anger has been shown to increase blood pressure, decrease blood flow, and interfere with sleep, to name a few side effects. There’s even research that shows anger might be connected to an increased risk of cancer.

Here are 7 tips for handling anger in a constructive way

1. Be self-aware

If it’s possible, take a pause and check in with yourself. Practice being self-aware. Are you erupting inside? Fuming? Ready to explode? Take a deep breath, pause, count to ten, or repeat a mantra or word that helps you refocus when your mind is in hyperdrive. 

2. Change your environment

If you can, go for a walk outside. Physically removing yourself from the context that is causing you anger can give you a better perspective, both literally and emotionally. On top of that, walking away can really help de-escalate things while you work to gain composure.

3. Face the emotion

Try asking yourself, “Am I angry?” This question could help you identify the “why” behind your feelings and bring more rationale into the situation. You might even find that you’re not angry, but instead feeling triggered, hurt, sad, or unheard. It could help you figure out a way to articulate with words instead of reacting.

4. Don't dwell

Many of us have a habit of revisiting certain events that angered us. If the problem has already been resolved, don’t dwell on the person or the event that made you mad. Instead, try to let these feelings of anger go. One way of doing this is to focus on what you like about the person who angered you, instead of lingering on what you don’t like. 

5. Listen first

Part of managing anger is to learn how to communicate better when dealing with it. When anger flares up during communication breakdowns between people, sometimes it's best to sit back, let them go off, and listen. It could give you a chance to reevaluate where you are with things relative to the other. This allows for space to adjust in how you plan to handle the situation. 

6. Have some humor

Sometimes angry situations feel like they are the most serious thing in the world—and sometimes they are. But if you can draw on some sense of humor to cut the tension, or visualize what your fit of rage could look like before losing yourself in it (imagine a road rage scene or epic meltdown from a funny movie), you might actually change your mind about reacting with anger and be able to laugh a little. 

7. Make a plan

It might sound a little weird, but a fallback strategy for what to do in situations that sometimes trigger your anger can be a useful tool. As you evaluate what makes you angry, think about what the way out of the situation would be. Maybe this looks like a rule at home with a partner, where you establish that no heavy processing or potential arguing happens after 10:00 PM. Maybe it’s a decision to drink a full glass of water before making any decision. Anything that can bring you out of the angering moment.

Know that managing anger is an ongoing process. If you’re not able to control it every time, that’s okay. Just know that the more you practice the tips above, the easier it will be to feel your emotions without reacting in an explosive or self-defeating way. Beating yourself up about not managing anger won’t help. But being aware of where your behavior could be improved, and actively working on it, will.

There’s nothing wrong with enlisting the help of an expert to talk through anger management strategies. Many counselors, family therapists and psychologists are trained in anger management treatments. They can likely help get to the root of what is causing your anger and frustration, and to work with you to come up with solutions specific to your own goals and values.  

If you want help managing your anger constructively, consider talking to a professional. MeetMonarch can help you find a therapist that sepcializes in anger management near you.