Being Ghosted After a Hookup or One-Night Stand? Here's Why

We see you. Being ghosted after a hookup or one-night stand is the worst.

Sometimes people hook up or have sex hoping it will lead to a relationship.

Being ghosted hurts.

Unfortunately—rather than love or romance—many of us get ghosted and wind up hurt, burned, confused, and rejected.

Your inner dialogue might be:

Being ghosted hurts.

Why do people ghost?

Why am I being ghosted?

What do I do if I'm being ghosted?

Why do people ghost?

And, the big question on your mind is probably: What do you text after being ghosted?

Well, first off, you probably text your friends, along with the hysterical crying emoji or ghost emoji, to say:

Guy ghosted me.

He ghosted me!

Girl ghosted me.

She ghosted me!

We've probably all sent or received these sad three-word texts to or from dejected friends when someone completely ghosts after a one-night stand or hookup.

If you're here thinking "what is ghosting?" and you've never been ghosted yet—consider yourself lucky.

Research, that we'll get into below in more detail, shows many of us will get ghosted at some point.

Why am I being ghosted?

But what does being ghosted mean, why's all this ghosting happening, and how do we get over it?

Read on for science-backed info on where ghosting came from, the all-too-real reasons why people ghost, and legit advice on getting over being ghosted from a clinical psychologist.

What's an example of being ghosted?

Now you see them. Now you don't.

If you're wondering "what is ghosting?" or "how did ghosting get its meaning?" That's why. It's a reference to a ghost.

Ghosting is when someone—usually a crush or a fling you've been chatting with online or dating—suddenly disappears from your life without a trace.

He ghosted me.

Being ghosted can be tough to deal with—especially if you were hoping for something more than just a one-night stand or hookup.

You know. Something more serious.

Maybe you thought you had a connection with this person. Perhaps they were showing you the affection and attention you've been craving.

Maybe they were a great kisser. Or, you had incredible sexual chemistry together. 

What does ghosting mean?

Being ghosted means an abrupt, unexplained end to all communication.

For example, not responding to phone calls, emails, or texts, and no longer following their partner—or is even blocking their partner—on social media platforms.

While this can happen at any stage in a relationship, it's much more common to get ghosted during the early part.

Being ghosted is a far cry from a mutual breakup with a partner you're in a relationship with, and it's dramatically different than getting dumped too.

The partner who's being ghosted may be surprised and not immediately aware that something happened. They stress in trying to figure out and understand what their crush's sudden lack of communication means.

This can lead to frustration, confusion, and an inability to find closure in the relationship.

When did ghosting start?

The term "ghosting" started in the early 2000s, and it's become increasingly common since 2014 when then-twentysomething New York writer and cartoonist Hannah VanderPoel created and posted the viral video spoof "Ghoster's Paradise" (to the tune of of Coolio's "Gangsta's Paradise," obvs.)

What do I do if I'm being ghosted?

On Google Trends you can see how Americans' interest in ghosting really started to spike after 2014—particularly their questions asking Google why they were being ghosted.

I feel seen. And, honestly, why do I keep getting ghosted?

How common is being ghosted?

It's not just you. It really isn't. The trend seems to be that ghosting is on the rise.

Using online dating apps practically guarantees that, at some point, we're all going to be ghosted.

Guy ghosted me.

In a 2019 YouGov survey of almost 2,000 Americans, 30% responded that they'd ghosted a romantic partner without explaining why.

Reminding yourself that being ghosted happens to lots of people—not just you—can also make it feel less personal. 

A 2020 study estimated that between 13-23% of U.S. adults have been ghosted. This same study found that partners who had been ghosted reported "less satisfaction with life, and more helplessness and self-perceived loneliness."

What's particularly hard to accept in light of these negative impacts is another 2019 study of young adults found that 74% of respondents said they believed that ghosting was an appropriate way to end a relationship.

Nope. Absolutely not.

Why do people ghost?

1. It could be their attachment style

There are four relationship attachment styles. Take our 3-minute quiz to find out your attachment style.

People with avoidant attachment style and anxious attachment style may choose to ghost because they have trouble communicating, especially during difficult relationship-defining conversations. Avoidant partners have strong feelings of inadequacy and fear of rejection whereas anxious attachment style partners crave intimacy, yet feel insecure about their relationships.

Consequently, both of these types of partners might find it easier to avoid emotional breakup talks altogether by ghosting.

I think we can all agree, it'd be much better for all of us if they would instead talk with a therapist about relationship attachment issues, and get over ghosting partners. Right?

2. Technology and number of potential partners available

Mobile phones, texting, and the ease and convenience of dating apps and the sheer number of potential partners out there can increase feelings of anonymity and reduce concern about emotional consequences.

In addition, the ability to "swipe someone new" and/or text with and even date several prospective partners concurrently makes everything feel more impersonal, and ghosting on some partners seems acceptable.

Yeah, we know. And, it's still not OK. Being ghosted is rough.

3. They aren't seeking something serious

What do you want in a potential partner? A one-night stand or a long lasting relationship? Are you sure about what your partner wants? (What they really want?)

Usually—though not always—someone looking for a long term relationship takes sexual stuff more slowly taking time to build trust.

In contrast, we can pretty much always presume someone specifically seeking a quick fling or one-night stand is angling to get hot and heavy as soon as possible. 

To get what they want, sometimes people lead each other on to make it seem they want a more serious relationship.

And then, when the fling's over, they ghost to avoid the awkward conversation.

4. Things seem to be moving too fast

If you're already talking about bringing your new flame to meet your parents, asking them to move into your apartment, or inviting them to attend a wedding as your date—it could be getting too serious for them too quickly.

It'd be far better if they could talk with you about this, rather than ignoring your phone calls and texts.

Maybe you simply got carried away in a conversation over a glass of wine?

You probably don't really even want them moving into your place.

5. A mental health issue could have them overwhelmed

Depression could suck away their energy and emotional availability for romance.

Partners with bipolar disorder may wine you and dine you when their mood is up and disappear during a downward phase.

Partners with severe anxiety disorders may stress so much about the relationship that running away seems less scary.

In these cases, we can offer the ghosting partners a bit of grace. Hopefully they'll find a licensed mental health professional to get support.

How to get over being ghosted

According to Dr. Lori Lawrenz, PsyD, a Hawaii-based clinical psychologist, being ghosted is most likely not about you—it's about them.

Really.

With that in mind, here are a few ways to deal with someone ghosting after a one-night stand or hookup.

Don’t blame yourself for getting ghosted

It's normal to feel regret, abandonment, or even shame or embarrassment when someone suddenly disappears from your life.

You took a shot in the dark, and it backfired. It stings now.

Just because you don't know the reason behind the ghosting doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. You may not know the full picture of what's actually going on with your partner.

It's okay to express hurt, sadness, and regret

Although you shouldn't blame yourself, it's vital not to ignore or shove down your feelings.

Call a friend who understands your pain, and talk about it. Be sure to express your raw and real emotions.

Take a bit of time to process your feelings before you start the healing process.

Invest in self-care to heal from being ghosted

Moving forward starts with choosing self-care.

Spend quality time with family and friends who support and understand you. It may also help to engage in activities that you enjoy.

Prioritizing self-care will help build your self-esteem and self-compassion so you see you don't need this ghoster guy or gal in your life.

Focus on the take-aways

However poorly the relationship might have ended, there's usually something we learn from it.

What life lessons did you gain?

How can you move on as a stronger and wiser version of yourself? 

Final thoughts on being ghosted and getting over it

The person who ghosted you failed to honor the basic code of a mature relationship—good communication and mutual respect.

These are not the building blocks of a solid relationship.

So, as hard as this can be to hear, maybe this was all for the best?

If you’re having a hard time getting over being ghosted, you can always reach out to a trusted friend, family member or therapist for support.

Find a therapist who specializes in attachment issues, relationship issues, or other related issues such as anxiety.

Find out your relationship attachment style 

Take our 3-minute Relationship Attachment Style Quiz to find out your personal attachment style. Get a free customized report.

Knowing your attachment style is helpful to developing a better understanding of your interactions and behavior in relationships.

READ NEXT: Am I Dating a Narcissist?

Need to find a therapist near you? Check out the SimplePractice Monarch Directory to find licensed mental health therapists with availability and online booking.